Godless

I’m not sure if anyone knows how it feels to be Godless. Not the feeling of never knowing God but the feeling that he is absent from you. I grew up strongly with religion. It was one of the forefront of my education seeing as I went to several private schools that featured God as the creator of all things. The transition from textbooks telling you that God created Amphibians and their development to public schools telling you that evolution is at the heart of change, can be confusing if you look too close to what your being taught. But I took everything I learned in stride. I considered all I was taught as truth, just people seeing things in different ways. Either way, I’d say I was religious.God was in everything and God is everything. It’s what I was told, it’s what I believed.

I’d say any religion is blind faith, especially when the choice is made for you. But as an adult, it’s my decision now, and I feel Godless. No one is telling me what to believe, no one is telling me to go to church. It’s up to me to follow religion if I so choose. And in my laziness, I choose to pray when in need, say God Bless when I have no other way of ending an uncomfortable conversation. I’m choosing to half ass my beliefs because, I can’t quite feel Him anymore. It’s been a while.

I’ve been crying out asking for help through angry pleas of frustration and debilitating self-destructive behaviors, and have heard nada in return. Go figure. He’s stopped listening to me. Or that’s how it feels. I wonder if this is how atheist feel. No one to turn to but their own common sense and self established morals and standards. I’m afraid to leap in that direction because then not only will he have left me, I’d be leaving him too. And I’m in such great need that the thought of not following the given paths laid out through omens strike me hard because I’m close to no longer believing. Yet at the same time, I’m completely faithful.

I never liked the idea of “following” God. I think it’s my own personal control issues but the concept seem so demeaning and subjugated. Which is also the reason, I made a Twitter account but am weary of following others because of not only the perceived blasphemy but also the point that who are these people for me to feel the need to follow their every word or post, or whatever the hell this day and age chooses to call it. Other words like Lambs of the Lord, or Sheep also give me a twinge of being an uncomfortable fraud. Like an impossible itch too far from reach, or bedbugs crawling on you in your sleep with you swatting yourself unable to figure out what that creepy feeling is. Either way I don’t want to follow; I’m currently uncomfortable leading, so I choose not to do anything. The passive approach seems to work, until I begin to feel completely lost. So that gets me back to my original feeling of being Godless…

I remember being in the fifth grade and sitting in a my dimly lit room reading a bible that had been in my family for at least 50 years. I would read and hope that He’d speak to me because I was being so diligent in His word. But He never did, so I teased and tested Him with no avail. Even told Him I’d search for the devil’s bible if He didn’t respond to me. I was young is my excuse, but I do know that every time I truly prayed for anything important I got it. Even if it was a silly doll to hold at night. Or for my mother not to be so angry in the morning. Or for me to have one good day out of the week. I always got it. But I know that the difference between now and then is that I believed. Wholeheartedly. The innocence of childhood left me with little room for questioning. But as an adult, I tend to question everything. To the point that I have nothing but questions and not enough faith left to receive answers.

I’m not exactly sure what to do at this point. I’ve been waiting for a miracle but knowing at the same time I have to make my own. He only helps those who helps themselves. Another question burns within in me, How do I begin to help myself?

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  1. You bop right over to http://lightthruthepages.wordpress.com/ and start commenting? (Only if you’d like to!)
    —–
    Seriously, that is not what being ‘an atheist’ feels like, because I’ve been one; I really didn’t think there was anything to the world but physical things & forces, didn’t see Spirit as a real thing (in fact, the most real thing) — and I would have liked to know the universe was in good Hands, but didn’t think I had any good reason to believe so.

    I was delighted when more and more events in my life started leading me to see that the world does hang together, isn’t just one trouble today and another tomorrow.

    So I didn’t have a “blind” faith. I’d be asking myself whether the weird things that had happened to me could have been accidental… Yeah, maybe, some of them… but then, if I asked myself, “Did I really believe they were?” — No way!
    —-

    But if you decide to hold your breath & turn blue to see what God will do about it– Why, I expect He’ll wait until you start breathing again and go on from there!

    God is not outside you. (Is not ‘merely’ inside, either!) Is not any dumber than you, is not as bad as you might be. “Human in the best sense of the word,” somebody told me once.

    Ask. And wait. Ask for wisdom, first of all! (So that you’ll know what else to ask.)

    I’ve found Erich Schiffmann’s yoga book a good reminder, that I can pray for Guidance and receive it. That it won’t necessarily feel different than my own thinking (What other thinker would I be thinking with, after all?) but can certainly show things from a higher vantage.

    • lol thank you, I browsed a few and bookmarked some articles. A very interesting and insightful site so far! I have a few friends who are atheist, or who I have known to be atheist and although they were immersed with intense emotions, you knew instantly that they didn’t believe in God, and they were remarkable, but I felt a small piece was missing from them. But they all seemed at a sort of ease with themselves. I know mine is a little more complex where I’ve just lost some faith and need to find it. 🙂

      • I know several atheists in my Meeting; and I don’t notice anything “missing” from them. Maybe… they don’t want to think they could be entirely wrong about the world? That there is anything worth hoping for, beyond the small victories they keep pursuing & clinging to? For sure they’re missing something; but if they don’t think they want that, don’t dare want that, don’t think they’d find it if they let themselves want… or that it would be ‘right’ of them to believe in anything without ‘proof’ — except, of course, in scientism.

        Glad you liked; I’d like more comments!

    • Brainy Miscellany
    • June 22nd, 2012

    I can’t tell you how many times in my life I have felt as if God doesn’t know I even exist.

    If you are tired of following and want the confidence to LEAD your life, the way that has worked for me if you are at all interested is the Secret. Have you ever read it, heard of it or seen the movie? You should. It is all about putting out in the universe, in a positive way, exactly what you want and coming to the realization that you control your destiny. What you put out into the universe you attract to yourself. Its called the law of attraction. Watch the movie or read the book, its so easy and it can change your life in ways you never thought possible.

    Everyone has to find their own way in this world. This worked for me, I think it can, at the very least, give you a fresh perspective on things.

    anything you want to know about it I can tell you. Just let me know. I can attest that it has changed my life.

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