Past and Current

I use to have  it all. Great friends where the laughter never end. A loving boyfriend. A proud mom. An adoring nephew, brother, and sister. I was the golden hope to a lot of those in my life. And then everything changed. The pressure of my life events began to push me down. Wear me out. I couldnt take the constant misfortune.
I was always described as strong; my friends would always comment on how could I possibly endure so much and still walk around doing what needed to be done. After a while I stopped doing what needed to be done. I essientially gave up. I wouldnt leave the house, sometimes I wouldnt even leave my bed. The weariness amd isolation brought about my alcoholic tendencies already rooted within me. Id drink and stay at home. Ignore my phone and mail. I just wanted to wallow and I did for years. It sucked ass basically.
Currently, I still have a lot of those tendacies. They’ve lessened but theyre still there. Im trying harder but it doesnt feel good enough. I feel like ive done so much wrong that any positive path I lead will falter because of karmic retribution. So im afraid to move forward. I feel like im on the cusp of something great but I cant exactly reach it because I dont feel I deserve it. With that, my past is holding my present at a standstill. The question is, how do I move forward in a positive way, when im being held down by my past negative acts? I have no clue.

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