Archive for June, 2012

Because

Because I forsake him

he now forsakes me

completely

irrevocably

eternally.

placed among the living deprived

disguised, force to hide with little to no holy pride

Had to lie

strangled by,

a wry,

war cry

of what most folks would call a perpetual life

because I engaged

while enraged, with diabolical estrangement

governed by loneliness

prepared by my wretched cowardliness

But I digress…

and address  my complex  rashness

and floor the rest

because…

I foresaked him

and now he forsakes me.

 

Godless

I’m not sure if anyone knows how it feels to be Godless. Not the feeling of never knowing God but the feeling that he is absent from you. I grew up strongly with religion. It was one of the forefront of my education seeing as I went to several private schools that featured God as the creator of all things. The transition from textbooks telling you that God created Amphibians and their development to public schools telling you that evolution is at the heart of change, can be confusing if you look too close to what your being taught. But I took everything I learned in stride. I considered all I was taught as truth, just people seeing things in different ways. Either way, I’d say I was religious.God was in everything and God is everything. It’s what I was told, it’s what I believed.

I’d say any religion is blind faith, especially when the choice is made for you. But as an adult, it’s my decision now, and I feel Godless. No one is telling me what to believe, no one is telling me to go to church. It’s up to me to follow religion if I so choose. And in my laziness, I choose to pray when in need, say God Bless when I have no other way of ending an uncomfortable conversation. I’m choosing to half ass my beliefs because, I can’t quite feel Him anymore. It’s been a while.

I’ve been crying out asking for help through angry pleas of frustration and debilitating self-destructive behaviors, and have heard nada in return. Go figure. He’s stopped listening to me. Or that’s how it feels. I wonder if this is how atheist feel. No one to turn to but their own common sense and self established morals and standards. I’m afraid to leap in that direction because then not only will he have left me, I’d be leaving him too. And I’m in such great need that the thought of not following the given paths laid out through omens strike me hard because I’m close to no longer believing. Yet at the same time, I’m completely faithful.

I never liked the idea of “following” God. I think it’s my own personal control issues but the concept seem so demeaning and subjugated. Which is also the reason, I made a Twitter account but am weary of following others because of not only the perceived blasphemy but also the point that who are these people for me to feel the need to follow their every word or post, or whatever the hell this day and age chooses to call it. Other words like Lambs of the Lord, or Sheep also give me a twinge of being an uncomfortable fraud. Like an impossible itch too far from reach, or bedbugs crawling on you in your sleep with you swatting yourself unable to figure out what that creepy feeling is. Either way I don’t want to follow; I’m currently uncomfortable leading, so I choose not to do anything. The passive approach seems to work, until I begin to feel completely lost. So that gets me back to my original feeling of being Godless…

I remember being in the fifth grade and sitting in a my dimly lit room reading a bible that had been in my family for at least 50 years. I would read and hope that He’d speak to me because I was being so diligent in His word. But He never did, so I teased and tested Him with no avail. Even told Him I’d search for the devil’s bible if He didn’t respond to me. I was young is my excuse, but I do know that every time I truly prayed for anything important I got it. Even if it was a silly doll to hold at night. Or for my mother not to be so angry in the morning. Or for me to have one good day out of the week. I always got it. But I know that the difference between now and then is that I believed. Wholeheartedly. The innocence of childhood left me with little room for questioning. But as an adult, I tend to question everything. To the point that I have nothing but questions and not enough faith left to receive answers.

I’m not exactly sure what to do at this point. I’ve been waiting for a miracle but knowing at the same time I have to make my own. He only helps those who helps themselves. Another question burns within in me, How do I begin to help myself?

Stripped and Ripped

Stripped raw

with

emotions

a matter of forefront for choices

and noises

that escape from my lips, leaving burnt tips

of frustration and admiration of the constant, unrelenting, disastrous situations

and wisdom, a criticism of individualism

I’d rather follow not lead, that way I don’t have to think

choices made, eyes closed

no need to feel exposed.

Ripped off

pissed off

jacked off in a jacked up existence

tierd of pretenses, with prefixes of a precarious pre-existence.

Unnecessary Anger?

Often, I find myself seething with anger. And I began to realize I’m angry over the same damn things. I keep letting things get to me, that if I on the other hand, let go, my days would be easier and I could move along more smoothly in my life. Sometimes I think my anger is justified, how else would the person know how I feel if I don’t express it? Shouldn’t they know by now that they’re’ ticking me the *honk* off? OR maybe thats their plan. I keep following into these little bunny holes that I can’t dig out of even though their only two feet deep/ My legs get stuck and my brain is urging them to move away from the dirty remarks and just pull myself out of the cycle of incompetence that I not only participate in, I sometimes start. But i can’t. Or maybe it’s more that I won’t. I’m so use to the yelling and screaming, and the small horrid events that if I don’t get angry, I’m just apart of it, it is me as I witness and participate because I haven’t gotten myself out of the situation. And I know it’ll will not only get worse, but make me a worse person.

On the other hand, I like the whirlwind of angry frustration, it’s been my life for 23 years (as of yesterday). It’s all I know, even though it’s one of the factors that pushed me over the edge in what feels like a previous life. I continue to participate in it because it’s the only way I know how to be around them. It’s all I ever am around them. So the solution to the problem is that I have to be different. When they spout words of hate and sprinkle me with their own insecurities, I fight back with a flourish of unjustified (by my own moral standards) cruelty. Putting me on their level, and taking me out of the realm I need to be in to progress as a person. I can feel the change surging within me but thats as far as it goes. A little electricity that powers throughout me only showing itself when I have the courage to manage it.

I know the changes that need to be made, I think we all know how to change ourselves for the better, for the most part. But I’m afraid, I’ve been in this place, with these people for so long. How can I turn my back, even if I know thats the only way for me. How do you rid yourself if the poison you willingly drink. I’m not perfect, nowadays I’ll bring the hell I receive just as strong, when before I shied and cried myself away from stressful situations. Now I jump fully in to it and won’t stop until I push them as far as I believe they pushed me, even if its just in my head. Its an uncontrollable fire, that I don’t want to lose, because I like it now. I rather feel powerful while I’m angry then weak when I cry. I think thats the most reasons why people rather yell than confront things honestly and calmly. Calmness shows control as well, but anger is easily accessible. And always at the tip of the pistol. I rather shot the gun than have the gun shot at me. I basically want to feel some type of control of not only myself but the situations presented to me.

I am going to start exploring better avenues to smother my angry, I really am. I can’t live this person’s life anymore. I need a new one. I’m going to begin by letting things go, as soon as they start instead of indulging in it. That’s the first step, but I feel like fool when I give in.  But I think it’s the fool that plays the game, while everyone else is just fighting to win. I’m going to play the game of life, because I’m going to lose this game some day and I want to remember that I changed when I had the chance, instead of crying and shying away.

Too young, too old

The worst thing than living at home with your mother, is living at home with your mother, and being pregnant. Not only do I have to live with the fact that I’m going to be a single mother, is that I have to live at home with my single mother and hear all the reasons why I shouldn’t keep adding to my own “Shoulda list”. I shoulda stayed with the good man, I shoulda finished college, I shoulda taken that wealthy German on his offer to take me home and treat me like a queen…. Well not the last part, but a Suga Daddy is looking kind of good right now. I’ll admit, I’m getting desperate looking for ways to establish my individuality financially while considering being able to take care of myself and my daughter in everything we may need.

I recently began a vigourous search of earning passive and active income all via the internet (you know since my daughter will be arriving in eight weeks and will probably want all my attention, idk just guessing). My search has come back with a surprising about of information. I honestly found enough information to earn me enough to buy gas for three days, Whopeeeee. Lol Well, I found a lot beyond that too, like Mturk with Amazon (A legitimate way to earn pocket change [MEAN THIS LITERALLY, but I’ve earned about… checking right now…  $27.19 with the ten days I’ve been on Amazon Turk] by taking fun and interesting surveys, making small responses to questions, doing google searches etc.) and creating a blog and adding Adsense to it (this is my second post, if I’m liked this might work out too). Then it went beyond that to making money reviewing music (slicethepie.com), making ebooks (still researching but found a like on stevepavilina.com which helps jumpstart this endeavor as well as smartpassiveincome.com where you get a free ebook for joining Pat Flyn’s newsletter) basically theres a wealth of information on side money adventures people can take on. So, I’m trying to get motivated to take some of these on full time and with all my heart. With anything you do and plan to succeed with, you have to use your entire heart, its just plain and simple. If you half ass anything, you’ll get half ass results. I’m trying to go beyond that and actually create a source of income that can financially take care of me and my kicking baby. SO, i need my full heart, but I’m stuck in half-hearted mode unfortunately. But my moms yelling about my internet usage does put me in the mind frame to get the, you know what and you know what, outta here. Which is why I’ve earned myself a little time in a concentration bubble to try to take on one of these endeavors with a focused mind frame of intent. Which will began now. I just thought I’d write a bit of the frustration out. Until the next time