Archive for December, 2012

Past and Current

I use to have  it all. Great friends where the laughter never end. A loving boyfriend. A proud mom. An adoring nephew, brother, and sister. I was the golden hope to a lot of those in my life. And then everything changed. The pressure of my life events began to push me down. Wear me out. I couldnt take the constant misfortune.
I was always described as strong; my friends would always comment on how could I possibly endure so much and still walk around doing what needed to be done. After a while I stopped doing what needed to be done. I essientially gave up. I wouldnt leave the house, sometimes I wouldnt even leave my bed. The weariness amd isolation brought about my alcoholic tendencies already rooted within me. Id drink and stay at home. Ignore my phone and mail. I just wanted to wallow and I did for years. It sucked ass basically.
Currently, I still have a lot of those tendacies. They’ve lessened but theyre still there. Im trying harder but it doesnt feel good enough. I feel like ive done so much wrong that any positive path I lead will falter because of karmic retribution. So im afraid to move forward. I feel like im on the cusp of something great but I cant exactly reach it because I dont feel I deserve it. With that, my past is holding my present at a standstill. The question is, how do I move forward in a positive way, when im being held down by my past negative acts? I have no clue.

Arbitrary life

sometimes,  I feel like I’m suffocating,

like life is so arbitrarily debilitating

breaking down the faucets of defense

it took me decade upon decade to dispense

and condense

into an adequate formation of my true common sense

trying to wiggle and strike

away the grief and strife

only to obtain

wicked strips

whips

from my metaphorical knife

contrived emotions from going through the subjugated motions

that leave no expectations for my actions

or lack of adaption

To my appointed life,

But this is my life, I’ve made choices

Against muted voices.

Frustrated Adaptation

Depraved indifference,

shifted pespectives,

am i wrong?

I’m always right,

at least in my mind

I fight with swift words and accusations

make no time for these disproportionated situations

Treated indiffrent, lower than low

its fucked up that i have no where to go

invitations resciended

love for me apprheneded

i hate this loneliness piled on with a withered devoutness

The “how can this be’s” transforming into “this life is for me”

it has to be

it has to be

otherwise why won’t i flee

Unwanted longing

Know that feeling? When you can’t believe it’s happening. Again. Your breath catches in your throat. You grip the nearest thing. Your chest rises. Legs spread with ease. It happened and I wish it never stopped.