Posts Tagged ‘ Trouble ’

Unnecessary Anger?

Often, I find myself seething with anger. And I began to realize I’m angry over the same damn things. I keep letting things get to me, that if I on the other hand, let go, my days would be easier and I could move along more smoothly in my life. Sometimes I think my anger is justified, how else would the person know how I feel if I don’t express it? Shouldn’t they know by now that they’re’ ticking me the *honk* off? OR maybe thats their plan. I keep following into these little bunny holes that I can’t dig out of even though their only two feet deep/ My legs get stuck and my brain is urging them to move away from the dirty remarks and just pull myself out of the cycle of incompetence that I not only participate in, I sometimes start. But i can’t. Or maybe it’s more that I won’t. I’m so use to the yelling and screaming, and the small horrid events that if I don’t get angry, I’m just apart of it, it is me as I witness and participate because I haven’t gotten myself out of the situation. And I know it’ll will not only get worse, but make me a worse person.

On the other hand, I like the whirlwind of angry frustration, it’s been my life for 23 years (as of yesterday). It’s all I know, even though it’s one of the factors that pushed me over the edge in what feels like a previous life. I continue to participate in it because it’s the only way I know how to be around them. It’s all I ever am around them. So the solution to the problem is that I have to be different. When they spout words of hate and sprinkle me with their own insecurities, I fight back with a flourish of unjustified (by my own moral standards) cruelty. Putting me on their level, and taking me out of the realm I need to be in to progress as a person. I can feel the change surging within me but thats as far as it goes. A little electricity that powers throughout me only showing itself when I have the courage to manage it.

I know the changes that need to be made, I think we all know how to change ourselves for the better, for the most part. But I’m afraid, I’ve been in this place, with these people for so long. How can I turn my back, even if I know thats the only way for me. How do you rid yourself if the poison you willingly drink. I’m not perfect, nowadays I’ll bring the hell I receive just as strong, when before I shied and cried myself away from stressful situations. Now I jump fully in to it and won’t stop until I push them as far as I believe they pushed me, even if its just in my head. Its an uncontrollable fire, that I don’t want to lose, because I like it now. I rather feel powerful while I’m angry then weak when I cry. I think thats the most reasons why people rather yell than confront things honestly and calmly. Calmness shows control as well, but anger is easily accessible. And always at the tip of the pistol. I rather shot the gun than have the gun shot at me. I basically want to feel some type of control of not only myself but the situations presented to me.

I am going to start exploring better avenues to smother my angry, I really am. I can’t live this person’s life anymore. I need a new one. I’m going to begin by letting things go, as soon as they start instead of indulging in it. That’s the first step, but I feel like fool when I give in. ┬áBut I think it’s the fool that plays the game, while everyone else is just fighting to win. I’m going to play the game of life, because I’m going to lose this game some day and I want to remember that I changed when I had the chance, instead of crying and shying away.