Posts Tagged ‘ loss ’

Godless

I’m not sure if anyone knows how it feels to be Godless. Not the feeling of never knowing God but the feeling that he is absent from you. I grew up strongly with religion. It was one of the forefront of my education seeing as I went to several private schools that featured God as the creator of all things. The transition from textbooks telling you that God created Amphibians and their development to public schools telling you that evolution is at the heart of change, can be confusing if you look too close to what your being taught. But I took everything I learned in stride. I considered all I was taught as truth, just people seeing things in different ways. Either way, I’d say I was religious.God was in everything and God is everything. It’s what I was told, it’s what I believed.

I’d say any religion is blind faith, especially when the choice is made for you. But as an adult, it’s my decision now, and I feel Godless. No one is telling me what to believe, no one is telling me to go to church. It’s up to me to follow religion if I so choose. And in my laziness, I choose to pray when in need, say God Bless when I have no other way of ending an uncomfortable conversation. I’m choosing to half ass my beliefs because, I can’t quite feel Him anymore. It’s been a while.

I’ve been crying out asking for help through angry pleas of frustration and debilitating self-destructive behaviors, and have heard nada in return. Go figure. He’s stopped listening to me. Or that’s how it feels. I wonder if this is how atheist feel. No one to turn to but their own common sense and self established morals and standards. I’m afraid to leap in that direction because then not only will he have left me, I’d be leaving him too. And I’m in such great need that the thought of not following the given paths laid out through omens strike me hard because I’m close to no longer believing. Yet at the same time, I’m completely faithful.

I never liked the idea of “following” God. I think it’s my own personal control issues but the concept seem so demeaning and subjugated. Which is also the reason, I made a Twitter account but am weary of following others because of not only the perceived blasphemy but also the point that who are these people for me to feel the need to follow their every word or post, or whatever the hell this day and age chooses to call it. Other words like Lambs of the Lord, or Sheep also give me a twinge of being an uncomfortable fraud. Like an impossible itch too far from reach, or bedbugs crawling on you in your sleep with you swatting yourself unable to figure out what that creepy feeling is. Either way I don’t want to follow; I’m currently uncomfortable leading, so I choose not to do anything. The passive approach seems to work, until I begin to feel completely lost. So that gets me back to my original feeling of being Godless…

I remember being in the fifth grade and sitting in a my dimly lit room reading a bible that had been in my family for at least 50 years. I would read and hope that He’d speak to me because I was being so diligent in His word. But He never did, so I teased and tested Him with no avail. Even told Him I’d search for the devil’s bible if He didn’t respond to me. I was young is my excuse, but I do know that every time I truly prayed for anything important I got it. Even if it was a silly doll to hold at night. Or for my mother not to be so angry in the morning. Or for me to have one good day out of the week. I always got it. But I know that the difference between now and then is that I believed. Wholeheartedly. The innocence of childhood left me with little room for questioning. But as an adult, I tend to question everything. To the point that I have nothing but questions and not enough faith left to receive answers.

I’m not exactly sure what to do at this point. I’ve been waiting for a miracle but knowing at the same time I have to make my own. He only helps those who helps themselves. Another question burns within in me, How do I begin to help myself?

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